I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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