and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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