Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
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Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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