I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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