i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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