sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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