Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
