Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
