Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
