Whod you bang
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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