You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
