i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
