Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
