i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
