I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
