i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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