I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
