I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
