Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
COCAINE IS GR8
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
