my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
