We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
