my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
