Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
