U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
