OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
