I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
