im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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