I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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