She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
