Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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