my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
