i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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