The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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