HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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