don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
