This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
