haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
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We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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