She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
