4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
