I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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