Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
