4 words: hood of his car
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
