Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
high people should be assigned attendants
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
