I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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