You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
