is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
