i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
