At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
