Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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