is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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