when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
