He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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